It goes around, it comes around – always mentioned, poorly understood and seldom questioned. Now, for the first time in recorded history, Ireland’s greatest gift to the world is here set out in a simple, easy-to-read, tourist-proof formula.

Of course, primitive versions of this system exist in other parts of the world, but, suffice it to say that its purest and most sophisticated form is only evident in dear old Ireland. FACT. But what is it? how does it work? and for what purpose?

For those of you still in pitiable ignorance, the round system basically means that, when arriving at a bar, or some such location of public intoxication, it is incumbent upon drinkers to buy their drinks collectively, rather than individually. This is not a ‘clubbing together’ effort – we’re not fucking hippies. This is the first point to note – the round system is a lot to do with bragging rights. Once you get into the bar simply say ‘I’ll get these’. And then? Then everyone owes you a drink. There’s your nuts …

And why? Well, for one thing, it saves clogging up the bar with single drink simpletons, slowing down the barman. For another, it means you open your wallet less often, not to mention, have to get up from the table less often. Aye, there’s the rub. This is the whole point of the round system, to maintain conversation. Think about it: four people drinking – without the round system conversation broken four times more often than with the round system.

More crucially though, in terms of drinking – which is pretty bloody important too – the round system slows down the lush in every group, and speeds up the slowpoke: everyone drinks, and gets drunk, at the same speed. This is the beauty of the system.

But of course life does not always pan out in perfect symmetry, and drinking is surprisingly no exception. Sometimes, over a course of drinks, it may not be possible for an even number of rounds of drinks to be consumed and purchased. As in the previous example, unless the four people drinking each consume exactly four, eight or twelve drinks (one, two and three rounds respectively, maths fans), someone will luck out on the round.

So what do you do? There are a few scenarios. One, drinking stops (for whatever reason) after your round (i.e. someone owes you a drink). In this case, forget it. Yeah, that’s right, forget it. Don’t bitch and moan about it like a seventeen-year-old, just forget it.  Enemies have been turned by an unreturned round before. With a bit of luck, your magnanimity will be remembered.

Another, drinking stops (for whatever reason) before your round (i.e. you owe someone a drink). In this case, try to remember it. Don’t offer a cash substitute, for the love of God. Just because money gets you booze, doesn’t mean booze should get you money. No! Booze gets booze! End of story. Do remember who you owe a drink! You would be forgiven for thinking that, ‘hey, everyone was drunk! no-one will remember that I owe them a drink! who-hoo! fuck it!’. Bullshit. Everyone (i.e. at least one person) will remember. This is Ireland. Booze is thicker than blood. We all know the ‘drunk’ excuse. Which is precisely why, if you remember that you missed a round, while plastered, and remember to get it back the next time, you will be remembered as a hero. Or at least a decent human being.

Again, if you have to leave while everyone else is still drinking, obviously try to time it right. Do the bloody decent thing and but the round before you leave. Never offer a cash substitute!

And while I’m at it, never skip out a round – i.e. if someone says ‘are you ready for another?’, let your answer always be ‘yes’. Otherwise, you’re ruining it for everyone. Messes up the whole thing. You’re going to want another drink, aren’t you? Of course you are, of course you are … shur, what else would you be doing?

Never, ever, bitch about someone else’s drink being a bit more expensive (unless it’s more than twice the price of the other drinks – if it’s that much, the person should cop the fuck on, and you should get out of the round with them asap). At least have the decency to do it behind their back!

Always, always, always – always bitch about someone’s drink being fruity or skanky. WKD, Budweiser and Coca-cola drinkers beware. But the less said about those fellas, the better.

Anyway, you get the picture. Such is the round system. Of course other countries have admirable social inventions too, but if I had to choose between it and, oh I don’t know, universal healthcare, punctual public transport or haute cuisine, give me the pub that has four or five lads with the right idea any day of the week.